Oh sweet lungs don't fail me now. . .

Ok, so I've been trying to do this for a while and I'm finally ready to switch:

I'm moving to anewcliche. Add me over there.

I'm bored of this. I want to go back to school.

As boring as working at Verizon is, I’m still glad I’m doing it. Obviously the money is a plus but I’m glad I’ve gotten the experience (and it’s going to look amazing on my resume). I now know that this is not what I want to do. Corporate finance is definitely not for me. I need a job with more interaction with people instead of just spreadsheets and bullshitting around all day. And I need something more fast-paced and stressful. I need to feel like I’ve accomplished something tough. Something that will make me feel useful. I think I’ll work for a firm in the city next summer to see if that’s something that I want to do. I’ll find something eventually.

Everything has been so uneventful lately. I definitely have enough time to write in this thing but just haven’t had anything very worthwhile to post (as you can see from this post lol).

I saw Andreas a couple weekends ago. He had like 4 days leave so I hung out with him over the weekend. It was perfect timing because my parents were in North Carolina for the weekend so he slept over my place. It was nice to have him home, albeit emotionally exhausting. He’s back in Japan for some training thing, then goes to California for another training school and then he will be shipped out to Iraq in March. I’m kind of numb to it at the moment. Like, it’s so far off away that it doesn’t seem real. But I know that as the months pass the reality of the situation will come to me and I’ll freak out. I’ll probably end up finding some pseudo relationship to throw myself into before March so that I can avoid thinking about it as much as possible. C’est la vie I guess.

I really can’t wait to be back in Boston. I don’t care if I have to take classes—I’d much rather be doing that then working. I’m excited for the TA job during the school year. I think it’ll be a lot of fun and it’ll probably be a great experience (as well as looking amazing on my resume).

Well, 2 more months to go.

I haven't really been able to sleep lately and that has been fucking with me. Part of it has to do with the fact that I have exams and what not. But it also has to do with the fact that I feel like Monday is the start of the rest of my life and I'm nervous. I go home on Sunday and I start my internship at Verizon on Monday. This is weird. I feel like everything I do right now will affect me for the rest of my life. I'm ok and have been ok with the idea that my grades will somehow affect my life but this feels different. This is new territory and I'm anxious.

I need to get some fucking sleep though because this is driving me nuts. I'm not tired when I wake up but I get tired during the day and want to take naps at weird hours of the afternoon (like now) when I need to be studying.

Part of me doesn't want to stop the whole school thing. I mean, I've spent the last 13 years of my life in school and then it's just going to end. I like school, as nerdy as it sounds. I like learning new things. I'll probably end up going to grad school a few times. I can't see myself not furthering my education.

I should be studying.

I'm going to start posting again more often, I swear. But, this post isn't really going to be of subsistence.

I can't believe that Freshman year is almost over. 2 more finals (Thursday and Saturday) and my first year of college is over.

I don't want to stop being a Freshman :o(.

I should be studying.

It's 72 degrees outside. In Jersey. In the beginning of January. WHAT.THE.FUCK???

As much as I love being able to go outside in a t-shirt in the middle of the winter, I'm really worried about what is happening to the enviroment. Really really worried. I really hope that this shows people that Global Warming is a real thing.

I want to go back to school. Now. I miss everyone there so much. I miss being able to walk one flight up and see a lot of my friends (I still need to learn all the names of the girls on my floor lol). I don't even care about the fact that I'll have to do schoolwork. I'll take that over being stuck out in Jersey. I welcome the 10 hours a week of SMG alone over being stuck under my parents rules again. ARGH I need freedom again dammnit.

I miss going to parties and sports games and hanging out with Kodjo and the rest of the track team.

I'm going crazy out here and if I could I'd go back to Boston right now. I'm considering going up there Firday instead of Sunday now. I mean, a lot of my friends will be up there by then so we'll get a couple extra days to party.

I need a cigarrete. (FUCK. why did Jersey make it so that you have to be 19???? WHO DOES THAT? Now I have to go to the city just to get a pack since they don't card. Maybe if I see Jesse again today he'll buy me a pack. Hmmmm.)

I really wanna see Alpha Dog. It has 2 of my favorite people in it-- Bruce Willis and Justin Timberlake. YUM.

It's been a great weekend so far and I've still got one night to go.

I'm having a blast and I'm so happy about it. I've met some great people and time is flying by so quickly. I just want time to stop moving so fast. I don't want to blink and have years pass me by. I just want everything to slow down so that I can fully enjoy the best years of my life.

There's a new boy. I'm smitten and concerned. Andreas is coming to visit the weekend before Thanksgiving and driving me home that Tuesday before he goes to his grandparents house. I'm so worried about it. I'm excited at the same time but my concern is overshadowing my excitement at the moment. I want to see him so badly but I don't want anything bad to happen between us. I don't want to end things with him on a bad note before he goes to Japan. But I miss him so much. It's fucking imperative that I see him before he leaves-- things just have to go along perfectly. Another problem is I don't want things with the new boy to progress more and to cause issues with Andreas. It's complicated. I just want to continue having fun and I don't want to have to cry over Andreas anymore.

My dad came up on Thursday night because he had a conference on Friday. I didn't realize how much I missed him and I know that the feelings are mutual. It's funny how divided my family is. My brother is the same with my mother as I am with my father-- and both of us have problems getting along with the other family member. I just hope that I continue being like my dad and I don't end up like my mom. I never want to see myself like that.

This weekend has been amazing and I don't want it to end.

Phew, it's been so long since I last updated (doesn't it seem like I always start entries like that? lol). Well, college has been great so far. I love Boston and love all the people I've met and have been hanging out with so far. I wont get into my week because, quite frankly, it's boring-- just classes and late nights talking to people. So we'll start with the weekend:

Yesterday I woke up at 10 still fucked up and couldn't go back to sleep because the room was spinning. Obviously, Friday night was a good one. We went out to a keg party (and by "we" I mean "a bunch of people that I'm still not sure of all the names"). We got there and it was kinda like lame so we decided to just drink until the kg was gone and ditch it for another party in the area. I was hanging out with Tim and Dan and we had all been drinking pretty hard (I had 6 read cups in a little less than an hour lol) so we decided to just go back to the dorms and smoke up. DEAR FUCKING LORD I DIDN'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE IN MY SYSTEM. Whatever. We went back got the stuff and when we were finished we just kind of chilled by the river (which reminds me of Tarrytown when you're next to the Hudson). It was nice but I didn't know if we would have the motor skills to swipe in-- we were decently fucked up. Don't ask me how because it's still a mystery to me, but we eventually got some food and swiped into the dorms and were on our way back up to Tim and Dan's room (they're roomates) when I saw a few of my friends, Marshall and Sharon, and demanded that they come chill with us. From there on the night is kind of blurry. I remember scaring the shit out of some Asian guy who was trying to take a piss in a urinal when I walked in to pee (the bathrooms aren't coed but they do have stalls in them) and walking around floor 5 with a bunch of people just talking. Dan later walked me back to my room where I passed out and ended promptly woke up every hour to piss out the excessive amount of beer that I took in.

So, then yesterday I woke up and went and hung out with Sharon and her roomate Delia until everyone else woke up. There was this college fest thing going on so I went with Colin and a few other people with the intentions of seeing Damien Marley perform and to get free shit. Damien only performed for like 20 minutes which was a let down and we got a bunch of free shit so that was cool. One of the girls who lives on my floor called me to tell me that Taking Back Sunday was having a free concert in the like government square (or something like that, I forgot what it's proper name is). I nearly wet myself. Not only would I get to see Adam Lazzara, who makes me cream my pants on a regular basis, but I would also get to see him for FREE. Excellent. Colin and I went back to the dorm to put our shit away and so that I could let him listen to some TBS because he had never heard their music before. Later we went to the square to see the concert and it was fucking amazing. I can't even describe how much fun I had, I'm still a little hoarse from screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs.

We took the T back to the dorms and I was hanging out on 5c because I was being lazy and didn't feel like deciding which group to go out with. The most promising sounding party was one at Tufts but I didn't feel like taking my lazy ass all the way out there. In the end, I stayed in 5c with 2 other girls and we bought 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's and just ate lol. Eventually, people started coming back from the different parties and whatnot (which a lot were aparently wack so I'm glad I decided to be a fat ass instead lol) and we just all chilled in Mara's room until around 3.

And that was my weekend in a nutshell but now I must do the work that I have put off all weekend lol.

I'm definitely not going to be able to watch World Trade Center. Every time I see a commercial for the movie I get chills and a bit choked up. I have a hard time looking at the images from September 11th so I know I would never be able to sit in the theatre and watch the movie. It's good that the movie was made and everything but I think it's going to be one of those that I'll have to wait for it to come out on DVD and watch it in the privacy of my room so I can cry as hard as I want. I hate that-- crying in movie theaters. I hate leaving the theatre after I've cried and worry that my face is all red and streaky with mascara all over my face.

So I promised that I would write about the trip and I know it's much later but I got lazy so deal lol. So, we flew from JFK to Frankfurt, Germany and then caught the connecting flight to Barcelona. The Barcelona airport was more like a mall than an airport. It was crazy how many clothing stores there were in that airport. Anyway, we went to baggage claim and found that they lost one of our bags which was a major pain in the ass (we ended up getting it back the 4th day of our 7 day cruise *mutters* bastards). It was the bag with all our fancy clothes for the formal dinner and whatever. We were actually lucky though. One couple on our flight lost all of their bags. The cruise washed their clothes every night and gave them a couple free t-shirts and whatnot since they only had the clothes on their backs. Every single person on our flight lost at least 1 piece of luggage because of the plane change in Germany.

Anyway, the boat was beautiful and huge and the food was awesome. I ate until I felt like I would explode the first night and passed out. I thought that I would have major jet lag but I was pretty okay because I went to sleep at like 9 o'clock lol. The first port we stopped at was Marseille, France. In Marseille we did a bus tour. It was a really tiny city but the view was beautiful. The water was really clear and there were islands off the coast. There was this market that the bus dropped everyone off at for like an hour but the people were kind of rude. I now understand why the French have such a bad reputation lol.

We got back on the boat when the tour was done and just laid out in the sun for a few hours. There was this perfect spot on like the side deck where the wind blew really hard so it never got too hot when you laid there. It was awesome I could lay there and drink for days and be happy. From that day on we were laying in that spot after the tours every day.

The next port the ship stopped at was Civitecchia, Italy which is like a 45 minute drive away from Rome so all the tours were for Rome. There were tours that were like 10 hours long! There was no way that I would be out there for 10 hours nu uh. We did one that was 4.5 and that was definitely long enough for us. The bus took us to Vatican city and you got to walk around and take pictures and whatnot (not see the pope because that was only with the long tour since it was a 3 hour wait). Then you took a driving tour around Rome and we saw the Coliseum, the first Roman “mall,” the area where the private and public baths used to be, the park, and random historical marks along the way. Our tour guide was really good and told us all this interesting and random facts. Like one of the buildings near the Coliseum had this green awning on it and apparently it was Napoleon’s mother’s apartment. So that was cool. Rome was another port where people boarding and this was when the flock of Italians came on the ship. It was so funny because you would see these teeny tiny Italian women who you could tell were on a constant diet and their HUGE husbands. This was also the first night that I went out and met people and I met some pretty cool people. I became friends with a couple of the Italian guys and it was hilarious because they didn’t really speak English but kind of spoke Spanish. So a couple of the girls on the boat and I would try to speak broken Spanish and English to them. It always took forever to say anything to them.

The next port was Naples. Instead of doing a tour around Naples (we looked around the city by ourselves later) we took a tour of Pompeii. Pompeii was pretty cool at first but after a while it became tedious. It gets disgustingly hot over there and there is hardly any shade. After a while everything looks the same so if I ever went back (which I doubt, it’s something that you really only need to see once) I would only be there for an hour at most—not 2.5. But it was definitely a cool experience. Naples was cool too but I’m just not into Italian fashion that much. Plus it’s really expensive and I just didn’t think the clothes were worth the price. But that was the case everywhere we went and now I understand why when Europeans come to the States they buy clothes like crazy.

The next port was Malta. In Malta we visited the “Silent City” which was this really cool like medieval city that was completely made out of Lyme stone. The stone seemed to suck up like all the sound so even though there were tons of tour groups in the place you couldn’t hear them. It was pretty cool to see it because I’ve always been interested by the whole medieval period in history. The next day (Thursday) was a day at sea. So I just hung out with the people that I’d met on the boat and relaxed. We all needed the break from walking around everywhere.

Next we went to Mallorca which was a really cute island. In Mallorca we saw yet another church. The churches are really ornate and beautiful (well, sometimes gaudy) but it gets boring after a while. You can only see churches so many times. We also saw a bullfighting ring. It was kind of gross because there had been a fight recently and there was blood all over the sand. There were footprints (human) that led from inside the ring to the hospital that was nearby. Mallorca is famous for its pearls so of course my parents were all over the pearl shop that the tour stopped at. They bought so much jewelry on this trip it was crazy. This was the last day of the cruise for most so of course we all stayed up and hung out on the deck all night.

The cruise ended in Barcelona were we took yet another tour (most didn’t, they had their flights home but we did since we stayed a few extra days in Barcelona). The most interesting thing by far was this HUGE church. It’s called La Sagrada Familia Church and they have been building it for decades and expect to finish it in like 50 years. It was by far the coolest church because it wasn’t a typical church architecturally. Seriously, go look up that church it’s really effing cool. So we stayed in Barcelona for 3 days and just did the tourist thing and the shopping thing for a while. The only problem with Barcelona for me was that my allergies were killing me. It was the only place we visited that I had problems with my allergies though which was good.

Phew *wipes forehead* that was the trip. That was a ridiculously long entry and I applaud anyone who actually reads it all.

So, I'm back from Europe and I'm EXHAUSTED. I promise, there will be a huge update when I regain my strength lol.

So, I decided that I definitely need to update because I've been dead lately! Well, it's understandable-- I mean, Friday through Wednesday ( Andreas was back home ) so I spent all my time with him which was a great time :o). It's unbelievable how much I miss him now. It's hard to go from seeing him every single day and him staying at my house to only being able to talk to him on the phone after he's off-duty. Speaking of which, they've moved him to a base in Virginia. I don't know what it's called yet but its near Virginia Beach or something. He's been moved there to do one of the Recon schools that he needs to go through. I'm so happy for him and proud that he's made recon and everything, I just miss him so damn much.

I think it's worse since I've moved out here. Jersey has been ok so far, mostly because I've been spending a lot of time with my cousing, Nikki, and her new baby, Gabriella. Gabi is adorable. I love her to death. She is so spoiled though and it makes me jealous lol.

Hmmm. In other news I got ( my nose pierced ) today and I LOVE it. The stud right now is small (obviously) and once it heals I can change it and put whatever I want into it! I can't wait :o).

Another thing I can't wait for-- my vacation. I leave for Barcelona on Friday night and I get there on Saturday night and I can't effing wait. I really think the cruise is gonna be a great time and I can't wait to take my first trip to Europe! :o)

I hope all is well :o).

After the 'rents showed me the townhouse I drove down to the house which is slowly progressing.  I'm just excited about my closet.  It will be fucking HUGE and I can't effing wait lol.  I didn't realize how much I would miss being in the whole construction site area thing-- if that made sense.  Like, in my old place in Yorktown there was constantly a new house being built.  I mean, we were only like the 4th house on that street-- the whole development was pretty much brand new when we decided to build there.  Once we moved in (I was like 11, I think) I met Keith who lived down the street and we hung out all the time.  We would play basketball and run around the neighborhood causing mischeif occassionally with David, his twin brother.  I miss going around and exploring the new houses that were being built on the street.  It was always so much fun.  Maybe that was because my imagination was so much more then than it is now...  I don't know. All I know was that it was a good mother fucking time.

Anyway, Andreas comes home June 30th until July 5th (he gets leave for July 4th) and I'm really excited.  I can't wait to see him again!!  I'm being ridiculous-- whenever I see anything  even remotely sexy or something I know he'd like on me I buy it and plan wearing it when he comes back home.  I just bought these really cute Steve Maddens to top off the outfit that I'm going to wear to the airport, lol.  I told you, RIDICULOUS. *shrugs* OH! and if you're a girl you NEED to go to Victoria's Secret and buy ....


It's really cute and now I can wear halter tops without looking like I have weird boobs from the goddamn strapless bra. Win, win motherfucking situation!

Ok, I need to go talk to Linda about her first kiss *squeels* Night yall!

I had an awesome birthday.  Despite the fact that we had to take the Calculus final, school was good.  I think that had more to do with the fact that it was the last day of school than school actually being good but whatever.

So, I went to Coldstone afterschool with a bunch of people and then decided to drive to the Yonkers DMV to pick up my liscense.  I got lost (no big surprise there) and ended up getting there at a little past 4 and found it closed.  Turns out it closes at 4 on tuesdays.  So I drove back home and my brother came over and we waited for my parents to get home so that we could go to the Cheesecake Factory (yum).

When my mom and dad got home I opened my gifts and I got a reeally great bunch this year  :o):

- Kate Spade Bag that I adore:



-Michael Kors shoes that I was contemplating buying myself.  My mom sneakily bought it when she figured out I wasn't going to buy them:


-Tiffany Necklace and Earrings that I've been lusting after since before Christmas (I couldn't get a good picture of the earrings but they are the same as the heart on the necklace without the diamond):


-Ashley Parker Angel cd and Nick Lachey cd-- I know, I know.  I really really wanted them for some reason.  I had to practically beg my brother to buy them for me for my birthday because he was dead set against buying the "shit that is now labeled music."
  I'm pretty fond of Ashley's cd but I haven't really listened to Nicks cd yet.  Jesus Christ I sound like a prepubescent little girl. *facepalm*


So, we then went to the Cheesecake Factory and had a great time :o).

So, I went to the doctor today to see about the spots on my back (which I have just noticed that they have spread to right above my ass as well) and found out that I have a systemic fungus called tinea versicolor caused by excess amount of yeast (Malassezia furfur, which is on everyone) on my skin. Thankfully, it isn't contagious so I don't have to worry about Andreas getting it when he comes back home on Friday :o) (not that that would decrease the mad amounts of sex we're going to be having lol). But anyways so now I have to use Selsun Blue shampoo on the parts of my body that are spotty (as a soap) and then put this anti-fungal lotion on for the next 2-3 weeks. GAH. Best part about this is the physical symptoms may not clear up for a few months. Joy.  Which means I'll have it when I go on the cruise and it'll be really obvious.  Double Joy.

Well, I'm going to go do my computer paper.  Adios muchachos.

Oh, and tommorrows the last day of school (dances) as well as my birthday. WOOO!

We're back together again :o).


....That didn't last long lol.

I'm back and I'm black. Well, blacker. I am so effing dark it's unbelievable (maybe I'll post pictures later). I have the nastiest tan lines *frowns* damn bathing suits.

Anyways, the Bahamas was fun. I had a pretty good time but I would have had an even better time if I didn't have to go back to school on MONDAY. (AHHH OHMYGOD I NEED TO FINISH BELOVED AND WRITE A REFLECTION ASAP *dies*) I really just don't want to go back at this point. I'd be perfectly content with just having my AP classes and then leaving because I mean, really, what are we going to do in the other classes? Nothing worthwhile that's for damn sure. AHHH I'm so happy I'm going to be done with this bullshit soon *dances*.

In other news, I finished Memiors of a Geisha while I was down there. I really hate to say it but I actually liked it in a weird kind of way (you win Linda, you win). It had its dull parts and everything but all in all it was pretty damn good.

...And I STILL need to finish Beloved. It's gotten so fucking boring now. I can't STAND it. Why can't it be good again. OHMYGOD. I will CUT Ms. Ferraro if she gives a lot of work- which she undoubtedly will since shes a CUNT. I DON'T WANT TO DO YOUR BUSY WORK WOMAN!! GAH. Oh. And the Bio chapters. *laughs* like THAT is going to happen.

*sighs* oh well. I guess I will once again return to school unprepared.

he's a pain in my goddamn ass. a pain in my goddamn ass. he's always had issues saying how he feels and what he wants but now it's even worse. the fucking marine corps. i fucking hate this. i just want to understand how he feels which is impossible because he doesn't even really understand how he feels. so instead i get calls and "i love you's" from the boy that's supposed to be my ex. that's supposed to just be my friend now. i mean, shit, i don't even know what i fucking want anymore. do i want to be with him? do i want to sit here and be a good little girl and wait for him to come back or do i just want to go out and do my own thing?

it's not fair. it's not fucking fair. distance isn't making the heart grow fonder anymore- it's just making things more difficult. part of me wants to move on and start the new life that is speeding towards me while another part of me wants to stay with what i know. can i do this? i mean how am i going to do this?

things are fallings apart and i just want this school year to end already. i just want too move on with that part of my life so that i can try to fix andreas' part in my life. so that i can have a clearer view of what's going on with him and how i really feel about all of this.


i'm sick of apathy.

BU got my deposit today. I'm not even bothering to go to the northeastern open house. I want to be at BU.

How do all the hot guys always end up here? Like, is there some weird magnet or something? I've seen so many drool-worthy guys today alone. lol. I can't wait for next year to come up and to be out here all the time :o).

School's almost over. I can't believe it. We have less than two months until we graduate but graduation can't come sooner. I think that time will speed by after spring break- or well I hope it does at least. I really need a vacation. I'm exhausted.


I feel like I've done so much lately but none of it has been eventful or post-worthy.

Ring Day was AWESOME. I'm so glad we decided to go to Kelly's house. It was friggin awesome.

I'm done rambling. I have nothing to post about lol.

"And I wonder how things gonna be
'Cause the time here it passes so slow
In a city of devils we live
A city of devils we live
Find somebody to learn
Boy you gotta love someone more than yourself
I can feel the fire of the city lights burn
It's hard to find angels in hell."

I knew that it would be hard to say goodbye again but I had no idea just how hard it would be. It felt like he just got here... Well, really he did just get here on friday morning and then had to leave again this morning. Ijust had such a great weekend. I miss having weekends like that and just feeling so comfortable around him. ARGH. I wish he was closer so that I could just drive to see him on the weekends. This fucking blows.

In other news I got $13,000 from Pace and $8,000 from Syracuse (without the money that I may get for the essay that I still need to write). I just want to hear back from Carnegie Mellon goddamnit.

I know what I forgot to put up. I've been reading http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ for a while and this week I liked one of the postcards a lot. Voila!

Ack. I'm tired. I really need to get more sleep. *shrugs* whatever.

I need to do so much work but I just don't feel like doing it. My Syracuse scholarship essay still calls for me to write it (I got in by the way- found out yesterday via email). It's just going to take so much effort and I just don't feel like I have it in me right now. Ugh *rolls eyes*.

Speaking of college shit. It seems like my college shit so far has been so backwards. I had this cliche vision of getting the letter in the mail and anxiously opening it but so far instead of getting it in the mail first, I get an email about it. Like Pace sent me one a month or two ago telling me that I'd been accepted and the amount of money I'd gotten and whatever and then I didn't get the actuall letter in the mail until, like, last week. Then now with Syracuse I got an email saying that my decision letter had been sent in the mail and that if I wanted to see what the letter said I had to click a link. So, of course, I clicked the link lol. Whatever. My main concern is Carnegie Mellon. That's the college that I'm most anxious about. *sighs*

I love St. Patrick's Day- not just because it's fun to see a bunch of people (usually old irishmen) drunk in the streets but also because it's like the only time of year that Irish Soda Bread is sold. I love that ish. It should be sold year-round dammnit.

Andreas put the picture of his new tattoo up on his myspace. It's his new userpic. I like it a lot more than I thought I would. Like, I have always like tattooed fore-arms but I was just worried that I would like the old him better. I'm always nervous about that. Well, I shouldn't say always because we've only been together during two (he now has 5) of his tatoos but whatever. Like before he got the one on his chest I was really really really nervous about it- I loved they way his chest looked at the time and didn't want him to ruin it. But I like the tattoo.

Ooh, dinner. Adios.

Edit: After Dinner

So anyways, I love tattoos in general. I just don't like it if a person has too many of them. I like to see some of their actual body not just the markings. As of right now I only want one or two. Definitely one on my foot (the top part) and maybe one on my hip. The only bad part about my foot is that I have to wait until I am 18 to get it or wait til I'm 18 to walk around the house barefoot lol. *shrugs* whatever. It just sucks to know that I could easily get one now but it'd have to be on my hip so that I could conceal it.

Hmmm... I definitely had more to write before I went to dinner but now I don't remember... Oh well, whatever.

"What if I wanted you here, right now, would you fall in the fire burn me down?